Tonight, Lance Armstrong is expected to make a stunning admission to Oprah Winfrey in the first part of a two and a half hour interview. Executive Director of the American Swim Coaches Association (ASCA) John Leonard is relieved that tonight is the night that Armstrong will finally admit the truth: that he is Chinese.
When reached for comment at his Florida home, Leonard replied:
"Obviously this a huge relief and I applaud Lance for finally coming clean about his heritage. If he had not done so, the controversy over whether somebody who doped on a competitive level and with sophistication unmatched could actually be from the United States would rage on. Now I can sleep well at night knowing that there simply aren't any Americans who would do something like that".
Leonard went on to elaborate that he had suspected Armstrong of being Chinese dating back to his first Tour De France victory in 1998. "When someone recovers from cancer to beat a field where many others are also suspected of doping, naturally you have to raise questions over whether they are doing it legitimately or whether they are Chinese."
When reporterss pointed out to Leonard that Armstrong had doped alongside his teammates, many of them American, on a team that was sponsored by the United States Postal Service, Leonard scoffed. "Obviously Lance's teammates were also Chinese. And don't get me started on the Postal Service! An obvious front for the Communist party in the US. They wear blue to throw you off their red scent"
While the specific comments that Armstrong would make in the interview had yet to be revealed, Leonard seemed supremely confident in what he would say: "Obviously, you can't persecute somebody unless they have been convicted in a court of law. Unless I can tell that they doped, then definitely go with that over anything else". And with that, Leonard, turned his back on the gathered media and returned to sanding a set of human sized blinders.