Thursday, January 17, 2013

John Leonard Relieved to Find out that Lance Armstrong is Chinese

Tonight, Lance Armstrong is expected to make a stunning admission to Oprah Winfrey in the first part of a two and a half hour interview. Executive Director of the American Swim Coaches Association (ASCA) John Leonard is relieved that tonight is the night that Armstrong will finally admit the truth: that he is Chinese.

When reached for comment at his Florida home, Leonard replied:

"Obviously this a huge relief and I applaud Lance for finally coming clean about his heritage. If he had not done so, the controversy over whether somebody who doped on a competitive level and with sophistication unmatched could actually be from the United States would rage on. Now I can sleep well at night knowing that there simply aren't any Americans who would do something like that".

Leonard went on to elaborate that he had suspected Armstrong of being Chinese dating back to his first Tour De France victory in 1998. "When someone recovers from cancer to beat a field where many others are also suspected of doping, naturally you have to raise questions over whether they are doing it legitimately or whether they are Chinese."

When reporterss pointed out to Leonard that Armstrong had doped alongside his teammates, many of them American, on a team that was sponsored by the United States Postal Service, Leonard scoffed. "Obviously Lance's teammates were also Chinese. And don't get me started on the Postal Service! An obvious front for the Communist party in the US. They wear blue to throw you off their red scent"

While the specific comments that Armstrong would make in the interview had yet to be revealed, Leonard seemed supremely confident in what he would say: "Obviously, you can't persecute somebody unless they have been convicted in a court of law. Unless I can tell that they doped, then definitely go with that over anything else". And with that, Leonard, turned his back on the gathered media and returned to sanding a set of human sized blinders.


  1. This reminds me of a science fiction story where everyone was made "equal" by being handicapped to bring them down to the lowest level. People who were too strong had to wear weighted vests, people who were too smart had to wear earbuds that played distracting noises in their ear, etc. This seems to be a little bit of that same philosophy. Maybe they'd be okay with Missy swimming if she dragged a parachute behind her.

  2. Oops. Somehow this comment got attached to the wrong post. Can you move it?

  3. I will see what I can do. For the record I think you are referring to Kurt Vonnegut's short story about Harrison Bergeron

  4. Overheard from Chris DeSantis: "Obviously John Leonard is a moron. He has no idea how ethical not only Chinese swimming (and their government) has been through the years...and also the East Germans back in the 70's and 80's. None of the hundreds of swimmers at the elite levels in those countries through the years who cheated with illegal substances were told or made to do so by their governments or swimming bodies. Just ask Kornelia Ender. They all did it on their own! How dare he cast suspicions. Ye passed her drug test. Never in the history of sport has someone who cheated got caught later on. Never has anyone else suspected cheating in someone who came out of nowhere. Not the East Germans (stupid surely Shirley), not Ben Johnson (ahole Carl Lewis), not Lance Armstrong (screw Frankie and Besty Andreau). Leonard is obviously just another ugly American. Oh, and by the way, I also believe in the tooth fairy. I saw the movie!

  5. wait... I think I am detecting sarcasm here... are you saying that Larry the Cable Guy isn't the tooth fairy? Well then who is, smart guy?

  6. Hey you are quick. You are right...dripping wiht as much sarcasm as the original post. Dang, you're apparantly the real 'smart guy'.