Tuesday, January 5, 2016

BREAKING: Gregg Troy's Mustache Named Italian Olympic Coach

In a startling and unprecedented development in swimming history, the Federazione Italiana Nuoto (Italian Swimming Federation) has named Gregg Troy's mustache their Olympic Team head coach in advance of the 2016 Rio games.

It is unclear how Troy's mustache, arguably the top mustache in swimming, will be able to carry out those coaching duties should Troy be selected to another Olympic staff. Given that Troy was selected to both the 2008 and 2012 American teams, that scenario is likely.

Still, FIN president Paolo Berelli was undeterred. In an official statement, he cited Troy's mustache's role in the "breathtaking development of Italian swimming star Mitch D'Arrigo". Berelli also referenced the Mark Spitz' mustache fueled domination of the 1972 Munich games: "History has shown that having the top mustache on your squad is a key indicator of Olympic success".

The move is considered risky by many, given Troy's promise to shave said mustache should Florida Gator's star sprinter Caeleb Dressel swim crazy fast this year.

With the news of a famed coaches body part making it's way into the Olympics, some smaller federations are rumored to be considering Mike Bottom's chin or Jacco Verhaeren's hair for a position on their staffs.

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